Moses's Search for the Promised Land

Missing Poster

Well bit of an adventure here.  I decide to take myself off on a search for my people's Promised Land and the Tall One makes a complete show of herself.  First of all she lets the side down by pushing bits of paper through people's doors with a free photograph of my bounteous beauty on (does she not realise she should charge?) and then she starts pinning these bits of paper to electricity poles, benches and gates around the village.  I mean embarrasing, does she not realise that my fellow felines will now consider me a complete Mummy's boy and make me the laughing stock of the village?  The resident cats won't cower with such submission, nor will I be able to stare down Ginger the Butch with such aplomb and verve now.  All I did was take myself off for a three day sojourn.  Frankly I was a little bored of being fed Aldi's cut price version of Gourmet food and so took myself for a little visit of the neighbouring sheds, outbuildings and houses just in case they could provide me with something a little more satisfactory.  Then I encountered a little obstacle of a shut door so I could not ahem depart the premises.  All was not lost though.  I do not want to revisit those three days of oblivion but the wandering son returned at 2.35 am in the morning and was met with much wailing and shouts of joy by the Tall One.  Can't say the Promised Land is in West Oxfordshire or if it is I did not find it.

The Tiger who came to tea ... and stayed practically the whole weekend

Well, if two slinky black whiskered fellows weren't enough for one decent honest chap to contend with along comes a bloomin big tiger creature determined to take up residency in my garden.  According to the neighbour it spent the whole of Friday morning perched atop the shed roof seeking a prime viewing position of the twittering birds in the hedge.  Then on Saturday it spent the day sleeping on the pond slope up against the shed.  I went and peered at it between the branches of a bush but it just ignored me and then the Tall One went out and it didn't pay the slightest bit of notice of her either.  It was only on Sunday when she went up to it with the nasty bright light flashy thing that it took umbrage and went back to join its four furry friends two doors down.  Unfortunately it has left me a present of some tiny white egg things which have hatched in my fur and consequently made merry in the Tall One's bed so she is now whingeing about bites of the flea.  A Pox upon this scurvy cat I say.

You shall have a kitty on your little dishy

Here is another plate in honour of my unparalleled beauty painted by the Tall One.  I now have an 'Autumn' dish to add to my 'Winter' plate featured earlier in the blog.  I am hoping for a full set to feature 'Spring' and 'Summer' so that I can be a Meow for All Seasons.

Still suffering rather from a bout of ennui following from the disappearance of the black felines and so am demanding a great deal of stroking on the stairs.

Hug a Hood(y) near Witney

The Tall One is a bit sad as Squeaky the skinny black cat has vanished and she is worried about him: "is he shut in somewhere, has he been attacked by dogs, have the thieves who have been targetting vans in the village made off with him"? I frankly couldn't give a damn about the welfare of the cat but am immensely bored without having something smaller to bully and herd up on my trips outside.  Instead, I am having to entertain myself by finding inappropriate places to sleep.  Here I am lying inside the hood of my cat litter tray which the Tall One has just sprayed with a nasty chemical pong.  Sadly it was a little too comfy and I failed to notice the monstrously large longhaired tabby come inside the house where it tucked into my Gourmet Perle Mon Petit food and the Tall One had to shoo it away.

Reasons Not to Feed Your Neighbour's Cats (The Kray Twins)

Our  Lady of the Dressing Gown opposite recently aquired a Staffie puppy whereupon she became apparently bored of her two black sibling kittens (alternately called Ronnie & Reggie Kray and Squeaky and Squealy by the Tall One, not knowing their true names) and to all intents and purposes stopped feeding them or letting them in her house.  Personally, I don't care about their names I just want to bop them on the head and chase the irritating critters off MY LAND.  They have been coming in MY garden and sneaking into MY kitchen and eating from MY food bowls. 

Concerned that the furry vermin were looking malnourished the Tall One started to give them the odd treat to prevent them following her when she went for a walk, this was BIG mistake sister and now:

* cat(s) will rush out from nowhere within 3 seconds of the front gate being opened and squeak for food;
* cat(s) will sprint out at the sight of her and roly-poly all over the path rubbing their scent glands into the concrete and leaving a horrible pong;
* cat(s) will climb into the car unnoticed and make themselves at home on the back seat as the Tall One tries to load her bags into the car before setting off for work
* The Tall One is having to spend some of her salary on feed the darn things when she could be using the money more wisely on prawns for myself.

I wish to write a letter to my local MP to complain but cannot co-ordinate my paws to hold a pen.

RSPB Sentry Cat

Well here I am royally protecting a female blackbird trying to have a quiet moment atop its nest of eggs.  I like to take my Royal Household sentry duty very seriously and I spent a good two to three hours sitting but a metre away offering her my superb bodyguard and communication skills.  The bodyguard side of the role consisted of standing on my back legs whilst waving one paw in the air and I made sure I kept her abreast of developments by miaowing loudly at her.  I was relieved of my duties at various intervals by the Tall One who showed shoddy camera skills and signs of bossiness.  She wouldn't get a position in the Household Guards.

Medical Detection Cat

The tall one was diagnosed as Type 2 diabetic today.  Well, "hello" I tried to tell her this earlier by helpfully drinking her urine, smelling her breath, waking her up by pushing my whiskers against her face and biting her hair in the early hours when her blood sugar was low and obsessively kneading her pancreas area but would she listen,  NO.  She paid more attention when she was going for a walk around the lake and a silly Red Setter dog ran up to her when she was feeling a little wibbly and made a strange whiny noise at her.  Well it ain't just dogs that are gifted with the sense of smell, sister!

Grievances

 

Furry bottoms to:

1. The tall one visiting Crufts and falling in love with 'oh so adorable' flat-faced French bulldogs.  She returned reeking of stinky canines and I had to inform her of my great disappointment with a disgusted yelpy noise to protest at this unacceptable behaviour.
2. The tall one spending £0.40 less and buying Whiskers basic gravy range.  I'm beggared if I'm eating that cheap muck and am only prepared to lick the gravy off the supposed 'meat' chunks.  She can put a stop to ideas of economising on cat food, thank you very much, as she will have to give the rest to the mudblood cats at Pat & Mike's who deserve less in life not being pedigree like myself but mere moggies.
3. The warmer weather which has led to an explosion of les petits insects within my warm fur and the inevitable dosage of pongy skin drops by the evil one.

Dawn Prawn Chorus

Fish pie making with the tall one always entails a certain amount of yowling with gusto on my part when the delicious pink worm things are doing circular routes in the microwave.  As you can see it is noisy time well invested.

Gentlemen Callers

Part of the garden fence blew down in the gales before Christmas so I have enjoyed having a peep hole into the exciting wild land down the public footpath where passing cats like to take their morning constitution. This has proved most fruitful as I've managed to make several felines seize up rigid with fear just by glaring at them from my viewing position atop the pond.  Fluffy the tabby was captivated for a full 20 minutes by my menacing gaze until she legged it down the other side of the fence.

Unfortunately activity out the front has proved less salubrious. The lady opposite seems to have had rather a lot of strange gentlemen callers and the tall one thinks she may be operating a business as a lady of the night.  Zounds, we can do without that.  The phantom pooper is still operating in the front flower bed. I was also ignomiously bundled into my cat carrier for my annual injections where the vet lady enquired about my constipati*n in front of the tall one, what humiliation.