I saw a mouse, where, there not on the stair, where not on the stair right there.

Exciting morning.  Exited property at 5:20 am.  On release immediately noticed movement coming from underneath the decking.  Hugely interesting and senses on full alert.  Went and sat where there is a small gap where the decking meets the path and peered down into the void.  I then used my ears to listen for signs of life and pounced about on top the decking for a good half hour.  The Tall One is a little worried, mice she can just about cope with but the idea of dare I say it a possiblility of R-A-T-S she cannot bear to comprehend.  Note to homeowners, do not put up decking it not only attracts vermin but monstrous slugs.

Designing your Zen Garden

Now that I have practised the art of Mindfulness, I thought I would also seek inspiration from the East with my Oriental Garden.  I have been re-arranging the garden statues to improve the feng-shui.  Surprisingly the Tall One was not best pleased at me leaning on it and making it topple over.  Ooops.

And I'm Feline Good

Mindfulness for Cats

Inhale for three, take time to feel the woven fabric beneath your paws, the feel of the air as it vibrates through your ear hair.  Exhale for three, take note of the heaviness of your tail, the smell of prawns circulating in the microwave next door and find your inner peace.

WHHHHHHHHHHAAAAATTTTTTT, beggar this poncey malarkey, did you say prawns, I'm off.

Itch Perfect

Bueonos dias mi amigos!  I have been practising my evil intimidating stare to use on the local felines and I am quite pleased at my progress so far.  I managed to herd up a black and grey fluffy cat and trapped it under a van for a good hour just by looking at it.  When the Tall One came out to find me to bring me in for the evening, it practically pee'd its pants with relief when I was removed from the proximity.  As you can see I have been using Dr Evil and Voldermort as my inspirations as the Tall One is a wuss and is not intimidating in the slightest.

Ye Olde Council House

I have not had the opportunity to update my manuscript in recent months.  It is ever since the stinky Tall One got a stinky new job which involves stinky new working hours and much feline neglect.  I have been my feelings known. 

First off, after waiting endlessly for the Tall One to return to refresh my food bowl with Hills dried biscuits the blinking woman from next door came around to talk to the Tall One for an unnecessarily long amount of time which delayed the replenishment of my nouriture so I ahem, relieved myself on the kitchen floor.  Then I decided that the stair carpet was a rather boring shade of beige and so I decided to accessorise with strategically placed small brown objects.  

Secondly, I decided to capture the black-feathered one whilst it was doing its annual raid on my food bowl and took it through to the living room where it had to agree with me regarding the boring beige colour scheme and decided to add a few interesting touches to the rug, floor and walls.  Sadly it then evaded me and decided to play Statues on the kitchen windowsill.  I sang a lovely lament at it as I waved my paws around the kitchen counter but it was bundled out in a tea towel by the Tall One.

Finally, I was sitting on the garden path this morning minding my own patch whilst the Tall One removed her things out of the courtesy car when a lady appeared with a small dog.  "He likes cats he does, but they don't feel the same way ...  He used to live with a cat and misses them".  The Tall One smiled obligingly at this cat-friendly canine whereupon I had to concur with this lady's comments and so arched my back and took aggressive advance movements towards the irksome creature ready to see it off my land.  The Tall One was most embarrassed and had to advise the lady to actively move her dog on forthwith due to my aggression.  Well I may be pedigree but I do live on a Council Estate.

Stealing the Limelight

Malcolm - 'The Imposter'

Well I am having a big sulk as I was robbed.  The Tall One has shown me a Lilac British Shorthaired cat on tv at the moment called Malcolm.  He is advertising Young's Gastro fish range.  I would like to stick my bottom in his face and maybe do a threatening glare.  How come he gets the call to be on tv and not me?  S'not fair.  The Tall One replied that perhaps he does not have a slight squint in his right eye or black eye gunk.  How rude, I don't comment on the open pores on her nose or bits of spinach between her teeth.  She also said perhaps he is well-behaved and easy to train which she thinks I am not. Hmm, maybe she has a point there ...

The Silence of the Lambs (er no, it is actually a v cute bunny rabbit)

Bunny: "Oooh, grass, nibble, nibble. Ooohh, dandelion, chomp, chomp.  Oh dear, I appear to have wandered off the path a little and am now in a bit of a predicament as I'm rather lost.  Jeepers-creepers, what was that noise?Mummy, Mummy where are you? There seems to be an eerie fog along the horizon and a  strange glow in the sky. Oh, bright eyes, burning like fire, is that you Mummy?..."

Great Jehoshophat, what the Dickens is going on here? The Tall One informs me that the pesky creatures having a good sniff of the dearly departed are called Prunella and Bernard. They live in a village not far from me. If they came to my house I'd be sure to give them a good biff and see them off my land even if they are girls and have rather pretty fur. However, they aren't the perpetrators of the unspeakable awfulness, that is their big sister Cleo who likes to keep the local wildlife population in check on a nightly basis. I must admit I am a little shamefaced by her hunting prowess as I've only managed to 'obtain' a baby bird and a baby mouse which were rudely removed by the Tall One before I could have much fun with them. I've also presented her with a few earthworms under the rug as well as some baby slugs via my teeth and also on my fur.