I'm no Tinkerbell!

News reaches me from distant lands that I am not the only badly behaved cat.  Mr Augustus, shortened form 'Gus' but who I call 'Gusset' (snigger) has recently moved abode.  He was the immensely trying feline who came to stay as a kitten and pooped in my litter tray and then proceeded to demolish my gourmet food.  You only need to watch Simon's Cat's "Double Trouble" to see what went down.  I am used to being the one in charge and did not take kindly to this outrageous behaviour and so I tried staring him down under the kitchen table and then tried to herd him behind the radiator but the blighter kept escaping.  Anyway I digress, he's apparently moved house and took a look at his new block and was not impressed as he was leaving behind some adoring senior citizens from his old neighbourhood who would regularly put tasty tit-bits down for him and lavish attention upon him even if they did insist on calling him 'Gilbert'.  He should be grateful for this moniker though as it does at least vaguely resemble his actual name, unlike 'Tinkerbell' as I was greeted recently by a retired gent who is actually called Gilbert over the road.  Tinkerbell imagine?!  I'm a boy cat mister.  Anyway, after a week of being kept inside he seized his first opportunity of outside-time and then refused to come home whilst a Bengal, Abysinnian or some other such fancy cat has apparently been trying to do a house-swop and enter my Aunt Poll's house by shouting at their back door to come in.  Thankfully he has reappeared since.  I made a similar move on the Tall One yesterday and refused to come out of the Paradiesgarten when asked to and so received abysmal neglect when I was left to fend for myself for three hours when she went into Oxford  for a new clothes airer.  I made sure I rushed at her car whilst she was trying to park, forcing her to do an emergency stop and then proceeded to shout at her for a good hour until I felt suitably reassured.

Bottoms Up

I have discovered a Secret Garden down the footpath.  It is ein Paradiesgarten. Sehr guht.  I get to jump around in the long grass catching the wings of flapping moths in my mouth, to explore inside dilapidated sheds and sniff out odours piquantes amongst the piles of scrap metal piled high.  I've also found other cats out hunting in the same territory.  It is also highly amusing watching the Tall One duck under brambles, limbo around thick ivy trunks and scramble over chicken wire in her efforts to capture me to bring me back inside for the evening.  She also likes to wail my name but I'm convinced I'm called 'Kissie' rather than Moses so I make zero response to her calls.  I like to evade capture for at least a good trenta minuti to get my money's worth.  I've even discovered a few very small frogs in my garden.  The Tall One hopes they might bring down the numbers of gargantuan slugs that make merry but she fears the slugs will devour them instead.

I saw a mouse, where, there not on the stair, where not on the stair right there.

Exciting morning.  Exited property at 5:20 am.  On release immediately noticed movement coming from underneath the decking.  Hugely interesting and senses on full alert.  Went and sat where there is a small gap where the decking meets the path and peered down into the void.  I then used my ears to listen for signs of life and pounced about on top the decking for a good half hour.  The Tall One is a little worried, mice she can just about cope with but the idea of dare I say it a possiblility of R-A-T-S she cannot bear to comprehend.  Note to homeowners, do not put up decking it not only attracts vermin but monstrous slugs.

Designing your Zen Garden

Now that I have practised the art of Mindfulness, I thought I would also seek inspiration from the East with my Oriental Garden.  I have been re-arranging the garden statues to improve the feng-shui.  Surprisingly the Tall One was not best pleased at me leaning on it and making it topple over.  Ooops.

And I'm Feline Good

Mindfulness for Cats

Inhale for three, take time to feel the woven fabric beneath your paws, the feel of the air as it vibrates through your ear hair.  Exhale for three, take note of the heaviness of your tail, the smell of prawns circulating in the microwave next door and find your inner peace.

WHHHHHHHHHHAAAAATTTTTTT, beggar this poncey malarkey, did you say prawns, I'm off.

Itch Perfect

Bueonos dias mi amigos!  I have been practising my evil intimidating stare to use on the local felines and I am quite pleased at my progress so far.  I managed to herd up a black and grey fluffy cat and trapped it under a van for a good hour just by looking at it.  When the Tall One came out to find me to bring me in for the evening, it practically pee'd its pants with relief when I was removed from the proximity.  As you can see I have been using Dr Evil and Voldermort as my inspirations as the Tall One is a wuss and is not intimidating in the slightest.

Ye Olde Council House

I have not had the opportunity to update my manuscript in recent months.  It is ever since the stinky Tall One got a stinky new job which involves stinky new working hours and much feline neglect.  I have been my feelings known. 

First off, after waiting endlessly for the Tall One to return to refresh my food bowl with Hills dried biscuits the blinking woman from next door came around to talk to the Tall One for an unnecessarily long amount of time which delayed the replenishment of my nouriture so I ahem, relieved myself on the kitchen floor.  Then I decided that the stair carpet was a rather boring shade of beige and so I decided to accessorise with strategically placed small brown objects.  

Secondly, I decided to capture the black-feathered one whilst it was doing its annual raid on my food bowl and took it through to the living room where it had to agree with me regarding the boring beige colour scheme and decided to add a few interesting touches to the rug, floor and walls.  Sadly it then evaded me and decided to play Statues on the kitchen windowsill.  I sang a lovely lament at it as I waved my paws around the kitchen counter but it was bundled out in a tea towel by the Tall One.

Finally, I was sitting on the garden path this morning minding my own patch whilst the Tall One removed her things out of the courtesy car when a lady appeared with a small dog.  "He likes cats he does, but they don't feel the same way ...  He used to live with a cat and misses them".  The Tall One smiled obligingly at this cat-friendly canine whereupon I had to concur with this lady's comments and so arched my back and took aggressive advance movements towards the irksome creature ready to see it off my land.  The Tall One was most embarrassed and had to advise the lady to actively move her dog on forthwith due to my aggression.  Well I may be pedigree but I do live on a Council Estate.