Tale of two Couches

I do NOT like change, let me repeat, I DO NOT LIKE CHANGE.  How dare she?  How very dare she?  I like to wake the tall one at the exact same time each day, I like to run upstairs and then run down to the top third step on her return from work every single day.  It has to be the third step mind, no other step will do.  I like routine.  I do NOT like change.  So you can imagine my dismay when some big loud men came into my house and deposited something big, elephantine dark grey and stinky smelling.  I was outraged I tell you, incandescent.  I like to sleep on the same beige Laura Ashley sofa every day I do not like change.

What did I do?  I sulked.  I wailed.  I glared.  I sulked.  I refused to go anywhere near the imposter sofa.  Not one inch towards it, not one whisker.  I sat on my old sofa until further affrontery was caused by more invaders coming into the house to this time remove the old sofa.  I do not like change.  I then spent two further weeks, glaring, wailing and sulking and generally hating the beast. After a while it got a little tedious and the Tall One came home to find my litter-dust paws tracked along a cushion so I had to admit defeat and did a big roly-poly over the new sofa to mark it with my scent.  However, I'm not overly impressed with the cushion fillings.  Old Laura Ashley fibre-filled 8/10.  New Multiyork cheapo foam filled 5/10 as it has an alarming habit of giving way.

Enjoying time with "old friends" sofa

Tell-tale cat litter footprints

Aquainting myself with "new friends"

High Afternoon

Meet Benji.  Benji is a dominant aggressive and vocal cat who is terrorising the feline neighbourhood.  On Saturday, Benji decided he'd like to move into the Tall One's house and so instigated a plan of action to try and boot me out.  He would jump into the garden and I would chase him out.  I would sit on top of the pond and he would stealth creep up on me and I would shout at him and chase him out.  He would then return and shout at me and we'd have a bit of a tussle ...  We spent about an hour just staring at each other but I eventually became bored and came into the house where he tried to follow me until the Tall One shut the door.  He then spent all evening scratching on the glass doors trying to come into the house in a threatening manner like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.  Seriously, this cat has some attitude!

Feline for all Seasons

I have a new plate to eat my Lick-e-Lix paste off.  I now have a Spring, Autumn and Winter plate so think the Tall One needs to get her act into gear and hurry up with the Summer one.  I could do with the extra nourishment as well as I've been losing weight for no reason and have been visiting the blasted vets much more than I'd like to.  The Tall One has been very worried and just registered me at a different vets called The Oxford Cat Clinic to see if they might be able to find out what is going on.

Valentine's Day Disappointment

Rushed downstairs this morning with a thumping heart to see how many Valentine's Day tributes had been left for me.  Bitter blow to discover an empty bowl.  What, not even anything from the elderly tortoiseshell cat two door's down.  I'm sure I have some admirers, they are just not making themselves known for fear of social inequality.  After all I am a pedigree and therefore far above the ranks of the average feline on the street.  I wailed my disappointment at the Tall One who has promised to compensate with prawns this evening so all is not lost.

Phyllis & Dilys: The Christmas Mice

Lookie-here. It was the Tall One's first day back at work on Tuesday after the Christmas break, so in order to prepare her for this occasion I decided to test her response rates.  Exactly at three o'clock in the morning I jumped up on the bed and landed squarely on her chest.  I then nipped her wrist, inserted my claw in her nostril and firmly clasped my teeth through her hair onto her scalp.  Normally, I can be dissuaded from such activity by several minutes of wrestling. However, this time I wasn't taking no for an answer and the Tall one got quite alarmed that she'd left the iron on, there was a fire somewhere or that someone was trying to break in as I was so insistent.  After much door rattling and pacing the Tall One returned to bed.  I then took this as my cue to do some stomach heaving and returned the food on her carpet that I had eaten earlier that evening.  Did she not know that I was telling her I was about to throw up?  

A few wet wipes applied to the carpet later the Tall One returned moaning about "blasted stains".  I examined the area and had to concur with her that indeed the carpet now featured a patch a shade darker, so I decided to accessorize further by going outside, eating some grass and then promptly regurgitating that a few inches away from my sick pile.  All was not lost however, as the Kewley-Grettons kindly sent the same day some very clever Christmas mice in stockings in the post.  I threw them about and chomped on their heads several times and then carried them upstairs to the bedroom.  As you can see, with a wave of my wand and a shout of 'obscuro' I can magic the stains away with careful placement of Phyllis & Dillis.  I am immensely proud of my interior design skills.

The Prince & the Pea

After trying but then abandoning a few unsatisfactory bedding arrangements, I settled upon this one.  Although I do have some, ahem, internal cushioning of my own, I do like to ensure a good layer of soft padding when taking my slumbers.  The Tall One was a slight misery-guts about it though and informed me that I was distributing my flea eggs amongst her clean ironing pile.

Acquainting oneself with the Halloween Arachnids

Slight surprise to find these fellows on the stairs.  I decided an attitude of casual nonchalance was the best approach until I could work out if they were friends or foes.

Thought I would get a little closer to inspect them since nobody was around to do formal introductions ...

Well there is no harm in a chap getting better acquainted with his house-guests now is there.  After all we could become bosom friends

And if I kind of accidentally sniff it, stick my claw in its head and scalp out a large tuft of fur and then run off with it in my mouth, well it is all in the spirit of fellowship and bonhomie, isn't it?

How Great Thou Art, How Great Thou Art





Mutual Admiration



"Lord my God! When I in awesome wonder
Consider all the works thy hand hath made". 

Yes, godly works are upon earth indeed!  Please take time to gaze on Valentine's Day upon my unparalleled divine form and to ask yourself if there is a better tribute to the Lord's creation than myself.  I think you will find after some deliberation that there is not.  Admire the shape of my head, the curve of my nose and swoon over the fur on my fine tail.

As well as thanking myself for my natural good looks I have to thank Auntie Poll for giving me this fine gift as a late birthday present and the talented Binks c/o Compton Verney for taking inspiration from my wondrous self and creating this wonderful ornament.

Waiting for Halloween

I'm getting prepared for Halloween and the arrival of thunderous intruders knocking at my door causing me to growl, assume a body position low to the ground and then to rush upstairs to seek sanctuary under the double bed.  However, I should be grateful that the Tall One does not make me suffer the unspeakable humiliating awfulness that are 'costumes'.  If she tried the emasculating costume below I'd be sure to pack up and leave.

Un chat noir dans ma maison

Assessing the Domestic Appliances

Checking out the food situation

Well, what can I say.  I had to endure about a week of this blasted blighter busting in through the bathroom window at every given opportunity whilst I was either asleep upstairs or further afield , until finally enough was enough.  It tried its best Oscar performance for a lost stray soul far from afar when I know it lives on the other side of the street with another large tabby that I dislike intensely, a bad-tempered Schnauzer and several daughters with boyfriends in situ.  The Tall One thinks it was simply looking for some peace and quiet but whatever it was certainly determined at giving it a good go at moving into my house.  The final straw was when I came downstairs to find it had salivated over my cat-nip toy and I'm afraid to say some biting of its tail area was involved.  Whatever, it seems to have done the trick and I haven't seen it since.  Good riddance.

Die Drei Katzen Schwartzen

Well here I am trying to catch up with the latest episode of "Cats Do The Stupidest Things" on the old googlebox.  Hang on a minute, this isn't me! Who the Great Houdini is it in MY house, on MY floor, standing on MY tv stand?  Outrageous.  Oh, I remember now. I bashed the Tall One about at 5.10 am in order to be let outside and then went off for my morning gallivanting - possibly involving pooping in someone else's garden.  Whilst I was out the Tall One caught up with her domestic duties and was doing the washing up when she glanced sideways to find a medium size black cat tucking into my dried food bowl.  Upon being espied she/he mewed pitifully in a ''I've wandered far from home and can't find my way back thither in this thick fog.  As you can tell from my face, which is wearing a large amount of vegetation and cobwebs, it is possible that I've been stuck in someone's shed and have only just been released and therefore require shelter and sustenance from the elements".  The Tall One being the pathetic softie that she is took pity on the traveller from afar and brushed the dust away from its face where it took delight in feeling the soft touch of human compassion upon it once again.  It then proceeded to jump about the kitchen counters with glee only jumping off to explore the living room whereupon it caught scent of my catnip toy and rollie-pollied all over it before having a look at the tv to check whether anything interesting was upon before it settled down on the rug.  It was at this point that I made my reappearance from outside and was frankly taken aback when I saw another cat making itself at home in my house and I found myself frozen to the spot in shock.  Luckily the intruder had the good sense to scarper before I could box it about the ears and I had to take myself off to my cat bed to cover from this startling effrontery.  This is the second black cat that keeps coming near my house and then I met a third in the Paradiesgarten.

I hope to recover in time for another exciting evening of throwing myself at the long-legged insect winged things that seem to have had a population explosion over the past couple of days and keep flying into the house.  The Tall One is thankful for my efforts on this part as she can't stand the Daddy Long Legs.

The Night Watch

Encouraged by Radio 4, I've been taking part in a scientific experiment.  UK citizens are being encouraged to record the population of moths, particularly Hawk moths in their back gardens as they migrate from warmer or colder climes - couldn't gather which.  They are apparently being attracted by the smell of alcohol so I blame the old soak the Tall One with her evening glass of wine or prosecco:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/giant-moths-are-invading-britain--attracted-by-alcohol-and-tobacco-10495091.html

Well, being the diligent feline citizen that I am, I've been collecting data on the moths for them.

This involves going out into the garden at dusk and using my special night vision to locate them.  It is then necessary to report back to the Tall One with 'my results' in order to have these verified and recorded.  I've 'obtained' a wide range of large-winged samples for her perusal including these two.  I think I ought to be awarded a PhD now for scientific endeavour.

I'm no Tinkerbell!

News reaches me from distant lands that I am not the only badly behaved cat.  Mr Augustus, shortened form 'Gus' but who I call 'Gusset' (snigger) has recently moved abode.  He was the immensely trying feline who came to stay as a kitten and pooped in my litter tray and then proceeded to demolish my gourmet food.  You only need to watch Simon's Cat's "Double Trouble" to see what went down.  I am used to being the one in charge and did not take kindly to this outrageous behaviour and so I tried staring him down under the kitchen table and then tried to herd him behind the radiator but the blighter kept escaping.  Anyway I digress, he's apparently moved house and took a look at his new block and was not impressed as he was leaving behind some adoring senior citizens from his old neighbourhood who would regularly put tasty tit-bits down for him and lavish attention upon him even if they did insist on calling him 'Gilbert'.  He should be grateful for this moniker though as it does at least vaguely resemble his actual name, unlike 'Tinkerbell' as I was greeted recently by a retired gent who is actually called Gilbert over the road.  Tinkerbell imagine?!  I'm a boy cat mister.  Anyway, after a week of being kept inside he seized his first opportunity of outside-time and then refused to come home whilst a Bengal, Abysinnian or some other such fancy cat has apparently been trying to do a house-swop and enter my Aunt Poll's house by shouting at their back door to come in.  Thankfully he has reappeared since.  I made a similar move on the Tall One yesterday and refused to come out of the Paradiesgarten when asked to and so received abysmal neglect when I was left to fend for myself for three hours when she went into Oxford  for a new clothes airer.  I made sure I rushed at her car whilst she was trying to park, forcing her to do an emergency stop and then proceeded to shout at her for a good hour until I felt suitably reassured.

Bottoms Up

I have discovered a Secret Garden down the footpath.  It is ein Paradiesgarten. Sehr guht.  I get to jump around in the long grass catching the wings of flapping moths in my mouth, to explore inside dilapidated sheds and sniff out odours piquantes amongst the piles of scrap metal piled high.  I've also found other cats out hunting in the same territory.  It is also highly amusing watching the Tall One duck under brambles, limbo around thick ivy trunks and scramble over chicken wire in her efforts to capture me to bring me back inside for the evening.  She also likes to wail my name but I'm convinced I'm called 'Kissie' rather than Moses so I make zero response to her calls.  I like to evade capture for at least a good trenta minuti to get my money's worth.  I've even discovered a few very small frogs in my garden.  The Tall One hopes they might bring down the numbers of gargantuan slugs that make merry but she fears the slugs will devour them instead.

I saw a mouse, where, there not on the stair, where not on the stair right there.

Exciting morning.  Exited property at 5:20 am.  On release immediately noticed movement coming from underneath the decking.  Hugely interesting and senses on full alert.  Went and sat where there is a small gap where the decking meets the path and peered down into the void.  I then used my ears to listen for signs of life and pounced about on top the decking for a good half hour.  The Tall One is a little worried, mice she can just about cope with but the idea of dare I say it a possiblility of R-A-T-S she cannot bear to comprehend.  Note to homeowners, do not put up decking it not only attracts vermin but monstrous slugs.

Designing your Zen Garden

Now that I have practised the art of Mindfulness, I thought I would also seek inspiration from the East with my Oriental Garden.  I have been re-arranging the garden statues to improve the feng-shui.  Surprisingly the Tall One was not best pleased at me leaning on it and making it topple over.  Ooops.

And I'm Feline Good

Mindfulness for Cats

Inhale for three, take time to feel the woven fabric beneath your paws, the feel of the air as it vibrates through your ear hair.  Exhale for three, take note of the heaviness of your tail, the smell of prawns circulating in the microwave next door and find your inner peace.

WHHHHHHHHHHAAAAATTTTTTT, beggar this poncey malarkey, did you say prawns, I'm off.

Itch Perfect

Bueonos dias mi amigos!  I have been practising my evil intimidating stare to use on the local felines and I am quite pleased at my progress so far.  I managed to herd up a black and grey fluffy cat and trapped it under a van for a good hour just by looking at it.  When the Tall One came out to find me to bring me in for the evening, it practically pee'd its pants with relief when I was removed from the proximity.  As you can see I have been using Dr Evil and Voldermort as my inspirations as the Tall One is a wuss and is not intimidating in the slightest.

Ye Olde Council House

I have not had the opportunity to update my manuscript in recent months.  It is ever since the stinky Tall One got a stinky new job which involves stinky new working hours and much feline neglect.  I have been my feelings known. 

First off, after waiting endlessly for the Tall One to return to refresh my food bowl with Hills dried biscuits the blinking woman from next door came around to talk to the Tall One for an unnecessarily long amount of time which delayed the replenishment of my nouriture so I ahem, relieved myself on the kitchen floor.  Then I decided that the stair carpet was a rather boring shade of beige and so I decided to accessorise with strategically placed small brown objects.  

Secondly, I decided to capture the black-feathered one whilst it was doing its annual raid on my food bowl and took it through to the living room where it had to agree with me regarding the boring beige colour scheme and decided to add a few interesting touches to the rug, floor and walls.  Sadly it then evaded me and decided to play Statues on the kitchen windowsill.  I sang a lovely lament at it as I waved my paws around the kitchen counter but it was bundled out in a tea towel by the Tall One.

Finally, I was sitting on the garden path this morning minding my own patch whilst the Tall One removed her things out of the courtesy car when a lady appeared with a small dog.  "He likes cats he does, but they don't feel the same way ...  He used to live with a cat and misses them".  The Tall One smiled obligingly at this cat-friendly canine whereupon I had to concur with this lady's comments and so arched my back and took aggressive advance movements towards the irksome creature ready to see it off my land.  The Tall One was most embarrassed and had to advise the lady to actively move her dog on forthwith due to my aggression.  Well I may be pedigree but I do live on a Council Estate.

Stealing the Limelight

Malcolm - 'The Imposter'

Well I am having a big sulk as I was robbed.  The Tall One has shown me a Lilac British Shorthaired cat on tv at the moment called Malcolm.  He is advertising Young's Gastro fish range.  I would like to stick my bottom in his face and maybe do a threatening glare.  How come he gets the call to be on tv and not me?  S'not fair.  The Tall One replied that perhaps he does not have a slight squint in his right eye or black eye gunk.  How rude, I don't comment on the open pores on her nose or bits of spinach between her teeth.  She also said perhaps he is well-behaved and easy to train which she thinks I am not. Hmm, maybe she has a point there ...