Itch Perfect

Bueonos dias mi amigos!  I have been practising my evil intimidating stare to use on the local felines and I am quite pleased at my progress so far.  I managed to herd up a black and grey fluffy cat and trapped it under a van for a good hour just by looking at it.  When the Tall One came out to find me to bring me in for the evening, it practically pee'd its pants with relief when I was removed from the proximity.  As you can see I have been using Dr Evil and Voldermort as my inspirations as the Tall One is a wuss and is not intimidating in the slightest.

Ye Olde Council House

I have not had the opportunity to update my manuscript in recent months.  It is ever since the stinky Tall One got a stinky new job which involves stinky new working hours and much feline neglect.  I have been my feelings known. 

First off, after waiting endlessly for the Tall One to return to refresh my food bowl with Hills dried biscuits the blinking woman from next door came around to talk to the Tall One for an unnecessarily long amount of time which delayed the replenishment of my nouriture so I ahem, relieved myself on the kitchen floor.  Then I decided that the stair carpet was a rather boring shade of beige and so I decided to accessorise with strategically placed small brown objects.  

Secondly, I decided to capture the black-feathered one whilst it was doing its annual raid on my food bowl and took it through to the living room where it had to agree with me regarding the boring beige colour scheme and decided to add a few interesting touches to the rug, floor and walls.  Sadly it then evaded me and decided to play Statues on the kitchen windowsill.  I sang a lovely lament at it as I waved my paws around the kitchen counter but it was bundled out in a tea towel by the Tall One.

Finally, I was sitting on the garden path this morning minding my own patch whilst the Tall One removed her things out of the courtesy car when a lady appeared with a small dog.  "He likes cats he does, but they don't feel the same way ...  He used to live with a cat and misses them".  The Tall One smiled obligingly at this cat-friendly canine whereupon I had to concur with this lady's comments and so arched my back and took aggressive advance movements towards the irksome creature ready to see it off my land.  The Tall One was most embarrassed and had to advise the lady to actively move her dog on forthwith due to my aggression.  Well I may be pedigree but I do live on a Council Estate.

Stealing the Limelight

Malcolm - 'The Imposter'

Well I am having a big sulk as I was robbed.  The Tall One has shown me a Lilac British Shorthaired cat on tv at the moment called Malcolm.  He is advertising Young's Gastro fish range.  I would like to stick my bottom in his face and maybe do a threatening glare.  How come he gets the call to be on tv and not me?  S'not fair.  The Tall One replied that perhaps he does not have a slight squint in his right eye or black eye gunk.  How rude, I don't comment on the open pores on her nose or bits of spinach between her teeth.  She also said perhaps he is well-behaved and easy to train which she thinks I am not. Hmm, maybe she has a point there ...

The Silence of the Lambs (er no, it is actually a v cute bunny rabbit)

Bunny: "Oooh, grass, nibble, nibble. Ooohh, dandelion, chomp, chomp.  Oh dear, I appear to have wandered off the path a little and am now in a bit of a predicament as I'm rather lost.  Jeepers-creepers, what was that noise?Mummy, Mummy where are you? There seems to be an eerie fog along the horizon and a  strange glow in the sky. Oh, bright eyes, burning like fire, is that you Mummy?..."

Great Jehoshophat, what the Dickens is going on here? The Tall One informs me that the pesky creatures having a good sniff of the dearly departed are called Prunella and Bernard. They live in a village not far from me. If they came to my house I'd be sure to give them a good biff and see them off my land even if they are girls and have rather pretty fur. However, they aren't the perpetrators of the unspeakable awfulness, that is their big sister Cleo who likes to keep the local wildlife population in check on a nightly basis. I must admit I am a little shamefaced by her hunting prowess as I've only managed to 'obtain' a baby bird and a baby mouse which were rudely removed by the Tall One before I could have much fun with them. I've also presented her with a few earthworms under the rug as well as some baby slugs via my teeth and also on my fur.

House Guest Etiquette ("You Shall Not Pass")

The Stairs - You Shall Not Pass

The Stare

I think it is important that when the Intruder Ones (otherwise known as 'house guests' according to the Tall One) come to stay that a few ground rules are established. 

1.  On arrival of the Intruder One, be sure to present yourself as close to possible to their feet and suitcase thus creating an obstacle and hindering further movement of the Intruder One into your territory.

2.  Should the Intruder One dare to seat themself, immediately press your face and bottom as close to their visage as possible.  Bonus points are obtained if their clothing can be accessorised with dead fur and if you are able to pass on your feline pong or saliva by rubbing your scent glands on them.

3.  Be sure to herd Intruder Ones into their designated areas.  Should they attempt to climb the stairs then loiter menacingly in the shadows so that they know that all attempts to gain access may be met with teeth nips or claws.

4.  Do not under any circumstances let them close a bedroom door on you when they retire for the night.  If such attempts at privacy are attempted, remind them of whose house it is by miowing loudly and scratching frantically at their door at 1.30 am.  If access is then granted, be sure to remind Intruder Ones that they are only being allowed temporary access to your space by giving them the 'Intimidating Stare'.

5.  Be sure to gain recompense from them by making sure necessary homage is paid via stroking and general admiration.

Drawing the Divine

It was the Tall One's Birthday on 5 February so the Big Shoe One made her a birthday card featuring the Tall One in bed and me on top of her trying to wake her up at 4.00 am by scrabbling at the top of the sheet with my claws, hah-hah-hee. 

The slightly alarming Big Shoe One told the Tall One that he found it hard to draw my celestial self and so in the end resorted to drawing Simon's Cat.  I'd like to tell the Tall One that I most certainly am not that fat.  Admittedly, we are of a similar hue of fur, both have slighly bulgy eyeballs, share a similar temperament and our rear ends are somewhat alike but I am much more beautiful of form.  I think artists through time would have been challenged if they were to have been tasked with painting my divine perfection as my beauty far surpasses some of the paintings hanging in art galleries.

Dialling the Dictators

"Hello, HELLO, Operator , is that Dictators R Us".  "Umm, I need to be put through to Stalin, Lenin or Pol Pot".  "Yes I'm looking for ten handy hints on how to become a more successful tyrant".  "Yes, that's right, I do consider myself God like, uh-huh, yes, the Tall One is getting a bit above herself and failing to provide an adequate level of servitude and adoration to me".  "Can I be clear, by torture, do you mean inflicting a reign of terror and biting her wrist when she stops stroking me and fixing my canines firmly on her scalp in the middle of the night until she screams for mercy at 3 am?" "No she doesn't show me adequate respect.  For example, she failed to shave her eyebrows off when I went for a scenic detour for three days".  "Noooo, whadya mean the Dictators aren't available to speak to me". "Hello, HELLo, are you a complete cretin or something, NO don't you hang up on ME.  Don't you know who I am?". "Hello ..."

"Yes, hello is that the Tall One?" "I'm calling as I demand more food NOW, more stroking NOW, more pick me ups and cuddles NOW.  Depeche-toi. Vite."

Noises off (despotic laugh).  "I really am pleased with this Cat-Berry phone, it really is very useful.  Thank you Jonathan and Saskia".