Ill Met By 7.15 pm

Ye Gads!  Afright your eyes upon these hellish harridans who alighted off their broomsticks for an evening of malevolent mayhem on Friday 26 October.  Perchance, I fear their internal body clocks may have been amiss as they arrived five days early as Halloween is but some five days oft.  However, I found them so alarming with their loud shrieking that I was too a'feared to speak up and correct them on this matter and hid myself in a pile of washing.  They shrieked, devoured, rested and then flew oft again the following morning leaving a trail of small bouncy eyeballs behind them (from out of a cracker).

I had hoped that they might bring me a tasty live mouse in their suitcase but it does not seem that modern day witches eat such things these days and prefer such stuff as Foot and Mouth Disease jelly as below.

The Great Catsby - Assisting with household tasks

I am quite keen on 'assisting' with household activities.  Here I am on the dining table having sat on the towel that my owner was using to wipe the table.  She then resumed her wiping with a blue cloth and I was a great aid in helping her get the table clean as you can see.  My household skills are also useful when ironing is in process as I can sneak up, hide and then attach my claws to a sheet so that my owner is incapable of pulling it across the ironing board as well as adding a fine layer of fur atop nicely warm ironed items.  Mopping is another common household task that I am able to offer my services for as I like to chase the mop, then rush outside and back again placing nice muddy footprints across the floor.  Yours splendidly skilled Hausmann Moses Mendel

The Swish of the Curtain

There is something very satisfying about hiding behind a curtain and ambushing an unsuspecting owner with a cry of triumph, dilated pupils and an attacking paw when they walk past.  It is especially fine when combined with the warmth of a radiator cover and a lined curtain to keep out the draughts.

Sadly no more delightfully smelly furry whiskered things or at least none that I've been able to drag into the house which has been a BITTER BLOW.  Even worse, one of the neighbourhood plebian moggies seems to be trying to send me a threatening message.  No not a horse head in my bed but uncovered mega-sized sloppy poop in two places on the gravel drive.  You won't find a pedigree cat pooping on dirt, heaven forbid ...  Anyway my owner was indignant as she trod on one pile and then had to get kitchen tongs out to scoop up the abominations.  Then as she left this morning there was a large furry tabby eyeing her on the opposite side of the road.  One of my owner's work colleagues has just adopted two rescue kittens and there has been mention of a kitten party.  I don't think she knows what she is letting herself in for as I am most likely to infest them with fleas and then round them up into a corner and terrorise them.

Catch of the Day

 

Immensely aggrieved.  Exited property at 6.00 am.  Re-entered property at 6.05 am with a small visitor in my mouth.  Deposited said visitor at my owner's feet.  Owner caught sight of what at first sight appeared to be a large spider leg disappearing under the sofa cover and let out loud shriek.  I immediately wished to calm her nerves and so caught and re-presented her with my offering - a small dark brown baby mouse.  Further shrieking ensued.  I then batted the mouse around the living room floor like Pele, letting it run and then trapping it with my paw.  My owner chased around after me with various implements, scooping up the mouse until it leapt off the spoon into my catches.  Eventually she trapped it under a tupperware box which I whacked about to get the mouse to move whilst my owner frantically searched for some card.  At 6.15 am my treacherous owner threw the mouse outside and shut me inside.  Refusing to make eye contact with her now ... meanie

Fe(Lion), the (W)Itch & the Wardrobe

Have spent much of the preceding week searching for Narnia in my owner's wardrobe and populating it with fleas.  Sadly, I failed to find my way into the magic kingdom for a meeting with Mr Tumnus but my fleas did meet another dose of Frontline as well as an application of household flea spray.  I have now had to abandon Narnia due to its toxic smelling environment.  What would CS Lewis make of chemical warfare upon his spellbinding landscape?

Other than that I was cruelly abandoned for over 12 hours last Saturday whilst my owner attended her cousin's wedding.  She wore a most exciting contraption on her head called a 'Fascinator' and I very much wanted to attack the waving feathers on her head but this was not a popular move on my part.

I am also trying to up my game as no. 1 bully cat on the block and charge at any passing cat that walks in front of my patch.  I've even trapped a few under cars and refused to let them out.  I have also resumed my slightly less sanitary habit of trying to fish bits of toilet paper out of the bowl whilst my owner is on the lavatory.  An immensely amusing activity but it is usually accommpanied by my owner yelling at me.  Don't know why Andrex puppies are allowed to get away with it ...

Oh, and must wish Darren Bell the best of luck peddling his bike to raise money for the MSTrust.

'Il y a une puce' loose about the hoose

I was relatively well-behaved in the night but my owner awoke at 3.05 am and went downstairs for a trip to the toilet where she discovered a fine specimen of cat flea sucking on her leg.  Upon returning upstairs she inspected my head and found an even larger example making merry amongst my fur.  My owner tried to catch it with her thumb and forefinger but my fur is too thick and it quickly disappeared amongst my snowy white pelt.  I must admit I am finding these creatures most aggravating but I do not help matters as I struggle for freedom when the flea treatment is applied and a large amount of it tends to land on my fur and not on the skin on the back of my neck.

My owner is continuing with the de-stoning of her front border.  However, now that the majority of gravel has gone one of the neighbourhood cats has taken it upon itself to adopt it as a new cat latrine much to my owner's disgust.  It isn't me, I refuse to use the outside facilities and prefer to make use of indoor facilities that befit my high status.

Of Mice and (Wo)Men

This is a picture of me sitting in a cat nip daze thanks to amazeballs mice kindly provided by Michelle Morgan, Manchester Physiotherapist Extraordinaire.  I can report back that they have considerably improved my manual dexterity and strength.  Sadly, I am rather lacking in real hunting skills.  I am able to present my owner with enormous spiders waving their legs out of my mouth in the early hours of the morning and am an expert fly trapper.  I can also go outside in the Autumnal months and bring in 17cms earthworms and hide my booty under the living room rug in record speeds.  However, real mice, birds and bunnies evade me as I get over-excited, chirrup loudly at them so they know I am coming and bound up with great noisy speed. 

Apart from this I have been scratching a great deal due to my irritating fleas, depositing flea dirt on my owners bedding, chasing moggie cats off the pavement and refusing to eat Waitrose own cat food sachets.