The Unfortunate Incident of a Cat in the Night-time

Despite appearances, I am not too keen on sleeping and that applies especially during the hours of dawn and dusk.  What is worse, is having to watch my owner sleep when I'm ready to play games, be stroked and admired and fed tasty treats. 

Sadly it was a Bank Holiday in the UK this weekend and my owner thought she would try and 'lie in'.  I tolerated this on Saturday but on Sunday I was so enraged by my failed efforts to wake her that I found a teaspoon on her bedside table and threw it at her head.  What japes!  Last night I tried to rouse her at 3.15 am but the annoying woman fell back to sleep.  I tried a new tactic.  At 4.00 am I trampolined upon her stomach to awaken her and she awoke.  I watched as she turned her head on the pillow to the right and found the gift I had left on her sheet - yes something brown and round ...  That will teach her not to ignore me.

Lust in translation?

My owner informs me that she may have to change the title of her Blog from'Bad Cat Chat' as it may be confusing some menfolk further towards the snowy plains of the North Pole. 

She tells me that there is a feature on Blogger that lets you view the Audience of your blog so you can identify which countries are looking at your site as well as something called 'Traffic Source' that lets you see referring sites.  Unfortunately, my mistress clicked on one of these referring sites at work and discovered it was a
p(r)awn site, horrors.  How unfortunate to have this unwanted attention on myself.  She fears the internet search of 'bad' + 'cat' is confusing those with more of an elementary grasp of English who are searching for 'naughty' + 'pussy'.  Please note that I am a MALE cat and I most definitely don't want men ogling my furry physique so please kindly take yourself off elsewhere.

Grandparents House

An enjoyable weekend spent at Grandma's House at Stratford-on-Avon.  Soured slightly by large ginger cat coming into house and finishing off my food.  I was discovered by Grandpa standing in slightly apathetic way by the door whilst the invader was by my food bowl.  On appearance of a human I felt embarrased by my cowardliness and assumed appearance of manliness and chased the departing invader down the garden, hovercrafting over its back as it jumped onto the wall.

Dismayed by sight of bags in the hall (meaning horrible car journey and did not want to leave) so I went and hid under a bed and refused to come out or miaow when called.  A search party was formed and the whole house/garden/block scoured without success with much frowning and near wailing.  Eventually I deigned to show myself to the anxious adults but then hid again under a different bed until I was tricked into my horrid cat carrier and bundled into a hot car where I protested loudly.

Fifty Sheds of Grey(ish) Fur

Above are the instruments of torture that my mistress used on me last night.  My inner intestines are doing star-jumps just thinking about it.  I lay stretched out as she pushed the brush through the luxurious fur along my back and purred loudly.  When she tried to use the comb however it was too intense and I boxed with my back legs to get my mistress to remove the offending item.  My claw wedged in her tracksuit bottoms pulling the waistband down slightly so that they hung on her hips 'just so'.  However, worse was to come.  As I lay there triumphing in my victory over the removal of the comb I heard a loud snapping sound and a pungent smell of chemicals.  'Horrors', I thought she is trying to anoint me with that foul flea treatment.  I fled at once closely pursued by my mistress.  I tried to distract her with my penetrating blue eyes but my valiant efforts were thwarted.  Even my safe word of 'Lick E Lix' failed as I was pinned down and the noxious liquid applied.

Prawn Fest

Sleeping off Tescos half-price prawns whilst looking a bit like Mr Miyagi from the Karate Kid

Moses came down the mountain (or was it the roof)?

Oh dear, my owner is not too thrilled with me.  On Saturday morning she was just coming out of the bathroom when she heard a loud crashing sound.  She immediately rushed out the back door and there I was sitting nice as pie calmly on the decking.  'Oh well, must have been one of the neighbours", she thought.  About half an hour later when she was sat on the sofa I climbed aboard and gave her some nice CPR acupuncture on her chest.  At this point she noticed some streaks of blood on her t-shirt and that two of my back claws were bleeding slightly.  When she went upstairs she saw that one of the Velux windows in the bungalow roof was further open than she had left it so she thinks I decided to throw myself out upon excitement of seeing a bird.  Luckily the nice vet at Stanford-in-the-Vale could fit me in and she called me a 'handsome boy'.  Less nice was the nasty antibiotic shot and my owner was not too overjoyed about the bill.  Still at least I'm alright that is all that matters.

Cat Traffic

Busy evening.  Sat on the path outside my house and held my own against various neighbourhood cats.  Unfortunately, I took my aggro out (arched back and yowled) on one of the cats who is trying to defend our patch against another bully cat rather than the bully itself.  My owner was very embarrassed as my ASBO behaviour was in full view of the window of the owner of the other cat.  Still at least it was not the ginger tom who kept eating my expensive food and leaving a parting gift of a tom cat spray, that was just rude ...

Here I am taking a drink from my water bowl.  Thames Water c/o the tap doesn't really do it for me and I like to drink rainwater out of buckets left in the garden with the added attraction of floating leaves and dead flies which provide me with extra protein.  Although, I much prefer it when they are alive and I can hold them down with my paw and feel the buzzing sensation on my footpad.  Oh my!

Pale pink paste

Hail fellow bad cats, I am writing to tell you about my manly achievements yesterday. 

As it was raining yesterday evening I could not go outside which I found most dispiriting.  My owner informs me that ghastly Purina have discontinued my favourite sachet food which came with lashings of delicious gravy and she now keeps trying to fob me off with similarly high priced but immensely inferior alternatives.  I had eaten about half the food during the day but on her return I shouted at her loudly to immediately provide me with something more satisfying and befitting my high status but despite my loud protests she failed to do so and I was forced to eat small mouthfuls when she was not looking.  I lolled about for most of the evening and sat on a pile of items waiting to be ironed that my owner had kindly left out for me.  At about ten my owner went upstairs.  She tried to encourage me to take a resting place for the night but this was not for me and I rushed about the house seeking out potential enemies in dark and forbidding corners.  When I got tired of this pursuit I went upstairs but my owner was unresponsive.  This was shocking behaviour on her part so I immediately set forth with my forehead and great muscular body to push her limbs about until she woke up.  A satisfactory result was achieved and I was escorted downstairs to the kitchen.  My favourite pale pink paste was produced and she tried to enclose me within the kitchen.  Ha, ha, I thought, I am having none of that and rushed with manly vigour forthwith through the gap in the door.  She tried repeating this procedure several times without success.  She then returned to bed and I took my manly station on the end of the bed and sharpened my claws on her sheet.  Eventually slumber overcame me.  At 3.00 am I awoke and resumed my limb-moving technique so that my owner could come downstairs and I could demonstrate my manly prowess at attacking my toys as I was filled with much manly testosterone and needed to release my aggression.  She again tried the kitchen imprisonment without success.  At 5.15 am I demanded to be let out into the great wilderness and was not taking no for an answer.  At 7.20 just as my owner was getting ready to leave I demanded to be tucked under her bedspread so that I could recover my energies for another exciting evening …