Waiting for Halloween

I'm getting prepared for Halloween and the arrival of thunderous intruders knocking at my door causing me to growl, assume a body position low to the ground and then to rush upstairs to seek sanctuary under the double bed.  However, I should be grateful that the Tall One does not make me suffer the unspeakable humiliating awfulness that are 'costumes'.  If she tried the emasculating costume below I'd be sure to pack up and leave.

Un chat noir dans ma maison

Assessing the Domestic Appliances

Checking out the food situation

Well, what can I say.  I had to endure about a week of this blasted blighter busting in through the bathroom window at every given opportunity whilst I was either asleep upstairs or further afield , until finally enough was enough.  It tried its best Oscar performance for a lost stray soul far from afar when I know it lives on the other side of the street with another large tabby that I dislike intensely, a bad-tempered Schnauzer and several daughters with boyfriends in situ.  The Tall One thinks it was simply looking for some peace and quiet but whatever it was certainly determined at giving it a good go at moving into my house.  The final straw was when I came downstairs to find it had salivated over my cat-nip toy and I'm afraid to say some biting of its tail area was involved.  Whatever, it seems to have done the trick and I haven't seen it since.  Good riddance.

Die Drei Katzen Schwartzen

Well here I am trying to catch up with the latest episode of "Cats Do The Stupidest Things" on the old googlebox.  Hang on a minute, this isn't me! Who the Great Houdini is it in MY house, on MY floor, standing on MY tv stand?  Outrageous.  Oh, I remember now. I bashed the Tall One about at 5.10 am in order to be let outside and then went off for my morning gallivanting - possibly involving pooping in someone else's garden.  Whilst I was out the Tall One caught up with her domestic duties and was doing the washing up when she glanced sideways to find a medium size black cat tucking into my dried food bowl.  Upon being espied she/he mewed pitifully in a ''I've wandered far from home and can't find my way back thither in this thick fog.  As you can tell from my face, which is wearing a large amount of vegetation and cobwebs, it is possible that I've been stuck in someone's shed and have only just been released and therefore require shelter and sustenance from the elements".  The Tall One being the pathetic softie that she is took pity on the traveller from afar and brushed the dust away from its face where it took delight in feeling the soft touch of human compassion upon it once again.  It then proceeded to jump about the kitchen counters with glee only jumping off to explore the living room whereupon it caught scent of my catnip toy and rollie-pollied all over it before having a look at the tv to check whether anything interesting was upon before it settled down on the rug.  It was at this point that I made my reappearance from outside and was frankly taken aback when I saw another cat making itself at home in my house and I found myself frozen to the spot in shock.  Luckily the intruder had the good sense to scarper before I could box it about the ears and I had to take myself off to my cat bed to cover from this startling effrontery.  This is the second black cat that keeps coming near my house and then I met a third in the Paradiesgarten.

I hope to recover in time for another exciting evening of throwing myself at the long-legged insect winged things that seem to have had a population explosion over the past couple of days and keep flying into the house.  The Tall One is thankful for my efforts on this part as she can't stand the Daddy Long Legs.

The Night Watch

Encouraged by Radio 4, I've been taking part in a scientific experiment.  UK citizens are being encouraged to record the population of moths, particularly Hawk moths in their back gardens as they migrate from warmer or colder climes - couldn't gather which.  They are apparently being attracted by the smell of alcohol so I blame the old soak the Tall One with her evening glass of wine or prosecco:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/giant-moths-are-invading-britain--attracted-by-alcohol-and-tobacco-10495091.html

Well, being the diligent feline citizen that I am, I've been collecting data on the moths for them.

This involves going out into the garden at dusk and using my special night vision to locate them.  It is then necessary to report back to the Tall One with 'my results' in order to have these verified and recorded.  I've 'obtained' a wide range of large-winged samples for her perusal including these two.  I think I ought to be awarded a PhD now for scientific endeavour.

I'm no Tinkerbell!

News reaches me from distant lands that I am not the only badly behaved cat.  Mr Augustus, shortened form 'Gus' but who I call 'Gusset' (snigger) has recently moved abode.  He was the immensely trying feline who came to stay as a kitten and pooped in my litter tray and then proceeded to demolish my gourmet food.  You only need to watch Simon's Cat's "Double Trouble" to see what went down.  I am used to being the one in charge and did not take kindly to this outrageous behaviour and so I tried staring him down under the kitchen table and then tried to herd him behind the radiator but the blighter kept escaping.  Anyway I digress, he's apparently moved house and took a look at his new block and was not impressed as he was leaving behind some adoring senior citizens from his old neighbourhood who would regularly put tasty tit-bits down for him and lavish attention upon him even if they did insist on calling him 'Gilbert'.  He should be grateful for this moniker though as it does at least vaguely resemble his actual name, unlike 'Tinkerbell' as I was greeted recently by a retired gent who is actually called Gilbert over the road.  Tinkerbell imagine?!  I'm a boy cat mister.  Anyway, after a week of being kept inside he seized his first opportunity of outside-time and then refused to come home whilst a Bengal, Abysinnian or some other such fancy cat has apparently been trying to do a house-swop and enter my Aunt Poll's house by shouting at their back door to come in.  Thankfully he has reappeared since.  I made a similar move on the Tall One yesterday and refused to come out of the Paradiesgarten when asked to and so received abysmal neglect when I was left to fend for myself for three hours when she went into Oxford  for a new clothes airer.  I made sure I rushed at her car whilst she was trying to park, forcing her to do an emergency stop and then proceeded to shout at her for a good hour until I felt suitably reassured.

Bottoms Up

I have discovered a Secret Garden down the footpath.  It is ein Paradiesgarten. Sehr guht.  I get to jump around in the long grass catching the wings of flapping moths in my mouth, to explore inside dilapidated sheds and sniff out odours piquantes amongst the piles of scrap metal piled high.  I've also found other cats out hunting in the same territory.  It is also highly amusing watching the Tall One duck under brambles, limbo around thick ivy trunks and scramble over chicken wire in her efforts to capture me to bring me back inside for the evening.  She also likes to wail my name but I'm convinced I'm called 'Kissie' rather than Moses so I make zero response to her calls.  I like to evade capture for at least a good trenta minuti to get my money's worth.  I've even discovered a few very small frogs in my garden.  The Tall One hopes they might bring down the numbers of gargantuan slugs that make merry but she fears the slugs will devour them instead.

I saw a mouse, where, there not on the stair, where not on the stair right there.

Exciting morning.  Exited property at 5:20 am.  On release immediately noticed movement coming from underneath the decking.  Hugely interesting and senses on full alert.  Went and sat where there is a small gap where the decking meets the path and peered down into the void.  I then used my ears to listen for signs of life and pounced about on top the decking for a good half hour.  The Tall One is a little worried, mice she can just about cope with but the idea of dare I say it a possiblility of R-A-T-S she cannot bear to comprehend.  Note to homeowners, do not put up decking it not only attracts vermin but monstrous slugs.

Designing your Zen Garden

Now that I have practised the art of Mindfulness, I thought I would also seek inspiration from the East with my Oriental Garden.  I have been re-arranging the garden statues to improve the feng-shui.  Surprisingly the Tall One was not best pleased at me leaning on it and making it topple over.  Ooops.

And I'm Feline Good

Mindfulness for Cats

Inhale for three, take time to feel the woven fabric beneath your paws, the feel of the air as it vibrates through your ear hair.  Exhale for three, take note of the heaviness of your tail, the smell of prawns circulating in the microwave next door and find your inner peace.

WHHHHHHHHHHAAAAATTTTTTT, beggar this poncey malarkey, did you say prawns, I'm off.

Itch Perfect

Bueonos dias mi amigos!  I have been practising my evil intimidating stare to use on the local felines and I am quite pleased at my progress so far.  I managed to herd up a black and grey fluffy cat and trapped it under a van for a good hour just by looking at it.  When the Tall One came out to find me to bring me in for the evening, it practically pee'd its pants with relief when I was removed from the proximity.  As you can see I have been using Dr Evil and Voldermort as my inspirations as the Tall One is a wuss and is not intimidating in the slightest.

Ye Olde Council House

I have not had the opportunity to update my manuscript in recent months.  It is ever since the stinky Tall One got a stinky new job which involves stinky new working hours and much feline neglect.  I have been my feelings known. 

First off, after waiting endlessly for the Tall One to return to refresh my food bowl with Hills dried biscuits the blinking woman from next door came around to talk to the Tall One for an unnecessarily long amount of time which delayed the replenishment of my nouriture so I ahem, relieved myself on the kitchen floor.  Then I decided that the stair carpet was a rather boring shade of beige and so I decided to accessorise with strategically placed small brown objects.  

Secondly, I decided to capture the black-feathered one whilst it was doing its annual raid on my food bowl and took it through to the living room where it had to agree with me regarding the boring beige colour scheme and decided to add a few interesting touches to the rug, floor and walls.  Sadly it then evaded me and decided to play Statues on the kitchen windowsill.  I sang a lovely lament at it as I waved my paws around the kitchen counter but it was bundled out in a tea towel by the Tall One.

Finally, I was sitting on the garden path this morning minding my own patch whilst the Tall One removed her things out of the courtesy car when a lady appeared with a small dog.  "He likes cats he does, but they don't feel the same way ...  He used to live with a cat and misses them".  The Tall One smiled obligingly at this cat-friendly canine whereupon I had to concur with this lady's comments and so arched my back and took aggressive advance movements towards the irksome creature ready to see it off my land.  The Tall One was most embarrassed and had to advise the lady to actively move her dog on forthwith due to my aggression.  Well I may be pedigree but I do live on a Council Estate.

Stealing the Limelight

Malcolm - 'The Imposter'

Well I am having a big sulk as I was robbed.  The Tall One has shown me a Lilac British Shorthaired cat on tv at the moment called Malcolm.  He is advertising Young's Gastro fish range.  I would like to stick my bottom in his face and maybe do a threatening glare.  How come he gets the call to be on tv and not me?  S'not fair.  The Tall One replied that perhaps he does not have a slight squint in his right eye or black eye gunk.  How rude, I don't comment on the open pores on her nose or bits of spinach between her teeth.  She also said perhaps he is well-behaved and easy to train which she thinks I am not. Hmm, maybe she has a point there ...

The Silence of the Lambs (er no, it is actually a v cute bunny rabbit)

Bunny: "Oooh, grass, nibble, nibble. Ooohh, dandelion, chomp, chomp.  Oh dear, I appear to have wandered off the path a little and am now in a bit of a predicament as I'm rather lost.  Jeepers-creepers, what was that noise?Mummy, Mummy where are you? There seems to be an eerie fog along the horizon and a  strange glow in the sky. Oh, bright eyes, burning like fire, is that you Mummy?..."

Great Jehoshophat, what the Dickens is going on here? The Tall One informs me that the pesky creatures having a good sniff of the dearly departed are called Prunella and Bernard. They live in a village not far from me. If they came to my house I'd be sure to give them a good biff and see them off my land even if they are girls and have rather pretty fur. However, they aren't the perpetrators of the unspeakable awfulness, that is their big sister Cleo who likes to keep the local wildlife population in check on a nightly basis. I must admit I am a little shamefaced by her hunting prowess as I've only managed to 'obtain' a baby bird and a baby mouse which were rudely removed by the Tall One before I could have much fun with them. I've also presented her with a few earthworms under the rug as well as some baby slugs via my teeth and also on my fur.

House Guest Etiquette ("You Shall Not Pass")

The Stairs - You Shall Not Pass

The Stare

I think it is important that when the Intruder Ones (otherwise known as 'house guests' according to the Tall One) come to stay that a few ground rules are established. 

1.  On arrival of the Intruder One, be sure to present yourself as close to possible to their feet and suitcase thus creating an obstacle and hindering further movement of the Intruder One into your territory.

2.  Should the Intruder One dare to seat themself, immediately press your face and bottom as close to their visage as possible.  Bonus points are obtained if their clothing can be accessorised with dead fur and if you are able to pass on your feline pong or saliva by rubbing your scent glands on them.

3.  Be sure to herd Intruder Ones into their designated areas.  Should they attempt to climb the stairs then loiter menacingly in the shadows so that they know that all attempts to gain access may be met with teeth nips or claws.

4.  Do not under any circumstances let them close a bedroom door on you when they retire for the night.  If such attempts at privacy are attempted, remind them of whose house it is by miowing loudly and scratching frantically at their door at 1.30 am.  If access is then granted, be sure to remind Intruder Ones that they are only being allowed temporary access to your space by giving them the 'Intimidating Stare'.

5.  Be sure to gain recompense from them by making sure necessary homage is paid via stroking and general admiration.

Drawing the Divine

It was the Tall One's Birthday on 5 February so the Big Shoe One made her a birthday card featuring the Tall One in bed and me on top of her trying to wake her up at 4.00 am by scrabbling at the top of the sheet with my claws, hah-hah-hee. 

The slightly alarming Big Shoe One told the Tall One that he found it hard to draw my celestial self and so in the end resorted to drawing Simon's Cat.  I'd like to tell the Tall One that I most certainly am not that fat.  Admittedly, we are of a similar hue of fur, both have slighly bulgy eyeballs, share a similar temperament and our rear ends are somewhat alike but I am much more beautiful of form.  I think artists through time would have been challenged if they were to have been tasked with painting my divine perfection as my beauty far surpasses some of the paintings hanging in art galleries.

Dialling the Dictators

"Hello, HELLO, Operator , is that Dictators R Us".  "Umm, I need to be put through to Stalin, Lenin or Pol Pot".  "Yes I'm looking for ten handy hints on how to become a more successful tyrant".  "Yes, that's right, I do consider myself God like, uh-huh, yes, the Tall One is getting a bit above herself and failing to provide an adequate level of servitude and adoration to me".  "Can I be clear, by torture, do you mean inflicting a reign of terror and biting her wrist when she stops stroking me and fixing my canines firmly on her scalp in the middle of the night until she screams for mercy at 3 am?" "No she doesn't show me adequate respect.  For example, she failed to shave her eyebrows off when I went for a scenic detour for three days".  "Noooo, whadya mean the Dictators aren't available to speak to me". "Hello, HELLo, are you a complete cretin or something, NO don't you hang up on ME.  Don't you know who I am?". "Hello ..."

"Yes, hello is that the Tall One?" "I'm calling as I demand more food NOW, more stroking NOW, more pick me ups and cuddles NOW.  Depeche-toi. Vite."

Noises off (despotic laugh).  "I really am pleased with this Cat-Berry phone, it really is very useful.  Thank you Jonathan and Saskia".

Diary of a Furbody

I confess that I have been a little remiss with correspondence of late, for which I offer up many apologies.  After the unspeakable episode of wandering in the wildnerness for three days, or rather the more prosaic entrapment in someone's garage or shed, I came down with an unfortunate case of a large hairball that would not, ahem, 'pass'.  This laid me down feeling most low.  The vet lady examined me, commented on my bad breath (how rude) and said that this hairball was probably the result of me over-grooming during the stressful incident of the imprisonment - well there wasn't much else for me to do except lick my fur so she can't blame me.  I was prescribed some Lax-e-Past paste and within a week I was feeling much brighter after a great deal of 'passing'.

Over the Christmas period I enjoyed a brief sojourn in the land of the Bard where I enjoyed loitering in the fernery and ambushing a passing grey cat much to its displeasure.  I was presented with a new bed which I used for two weeks and then tired of as well as a cat blanket which I am feeling frankly ambivalent about.

I am now installed back in Oxfordshire where I am pushing ahead with my New Year's resolution to get more stroking out of the Tall One.  If she is not prompt enough with the pleasing hands, does not do things in the right ritualistic order or dares to disobey me I am sure to reprimand her promptly with a loud bossy squeal and a good nip of the arm or leg.  Know your place Tall One.